GOV. GAVIN NEWSOM [D-CA] canceled his 'State of the State' address, but Red State contributor Jennifer Van Laar found a copy of his transcript.

Ladies and Gentlemen of California,

As your somewhat bewildered Governor, I stand before you today to report on the, um, "flourishing" state of our great state, which is currently navigating through a fascinating series of adventures and, let’s say, "unexpected learning opportunities."

First off, the budget deficit - oh, what an exciting challenge! We've managed to craft a fiscal shortfall that's not just a hole, but a marvel of modern financial architecture. It’s like we aimed for the stars and hit our own foot, but fear not, for we are innovating new ways to spend money we don't have on things we're not sure we need.

Then, there’s our water saga. Who knew that rainwater could just... vanish? As we face droughts with the collective foresight of a startled goldfish, our attempts to capture and store water have been as effective as a sieve holding soup. Yet, I assure you, we’re making waves – or at least, trying to catch a few.

Wildfires and forest management, ah, an area where we've truly excelled in underachievement. Our forests are as well-managed as a toddler’s birthday party. But fear not, for we have plans. Plans that are as clear as smoke and as solid as ash.

And let's not forget the grand exodus of businesses and insurance companies. Why stay in California, the land of opportunity, when you can leave for... less fiery pastures? Our business-friendly policies are so avant-garde, even we can't understand them.

On housing, we’ve reached new heights - literally. The cost of living has soared to such celestial levels, we're considering colonizing Mars for affordable housing options. Our regulatory labyrinth makes building a house feel like a quest for the Holy Grail.

Crime has become our latest explosive growth industry, with innovative new felonies being pioneered every day. Our cities, once bustling hubs of commerce, now host open-air markets for the very latest in stolen goods, surrounded by the avant-garde architecture of tent cities.

Ah, homelessness, our most robust expansion program. Our streets are now adorned with the newest in urban camping chic, with exclusive open-air accommodations that even the most dedicated stores are relocating to avoid.

Insurance? A quaint concept we've practically reinvented, as companies sprint away faster than residents can say "premium hike." This has led to a thrilling new game of "find the insurer" for those daring enough to play.

Our healthcare system, a labyrinthine marvel, now offers an exhilarating challenge to access or navigate, providing a health quest for the modern age. Who needs appointments when you can enjoy the spontaneity of uncertainty?

And our pioneering electricity pricing strategy, where making $28,000 a year catapults you into the "newly rich" category, ready to shoulder the noble burden of ever-rising electric bills. It's our way of ensuring that light at the end of the tunnel remains just out of reach.

Then finally, drug crisis has unfolded with a certain poetic flair, transforming our parks into a mosaic of used needles—a testament to our innovative public health policies. As counties hand out needles like party favors, we embrace my wisdom that “we all need to self-medicate from time to time,” a mantra for the modern Californian spirit.

Thank you, and boy am I glad that I’m termed out! I feel horrible for the poor soul who has to take over for me after 2026!

Yes, it's satire -- but just barely.