IN HONOR OF EARTH DAY, last week I pulled out my fossil-fuel powered chain saw and destroyed some native habitat in order to assure an adequate supply of fuel for my wood-burning stove to use while it emits copious amounts of evil particulate matter into the pristine atmosphere next winter.

This morning, I drove my 13-mpg fossil-fuel powered pickup truck to the environmentally insensitive hardware store to buy a couple of hundred pounds of non-organic, native-vegetation-killing fertilizer to spread over my lawn and be washed down river to foul the Chesapeake bay watershed in order to force the non-native vegetation to grow high enough so that I can use my fossil-fuel powered lawn tractor to cut it back to an even height.

Next week I plan to continue honoring the planet by continue my destruction of native vegetation until I have a sufficient supply to bring in some more fossil-fuel powered equipment to further transform the native vegetation into pre-fossil fuel usable by my wood stove.

Then I will rest....