CITIZEN NOTICE: Before I (was) retired from the defense industry, a notice similar to this always circulated immediately before a WARN Act notice:

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to put citizens 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Citizens selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Citizens who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A citizen may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

However, citizens who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). In addition, those citizens who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

To improve job efficiency, citizens under 50 will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

It's entirely appropriate that the President issue this WARN Act notice prior to his inauguration.