I HOPE THE EPA BUREAUCRATS who decided to 'regulate' a spillproof gasoline can are condemned to an eternity in Hell filling one pint capacity lawn mower tanks from a full 5-gallon spillproof container.

An ominous regulatory announcement from the EPA came in 2007: “Starting with containers manufactured in 2009… it is expected that the new cans will be built with a simple and inexpensive permeation barrier and new spouts that close automatically.”

The government never said “no vents.” It abolished them de facto with new standards that every state had to adopt by 2009. So for the last three years, you have not been able to buy gas cans that work properly. They are not permitted to have a separate vent. The top has to close automatically. There are other silly things now, too, but the biggest problem is that they do not do well what cans are supposed to do.

And don’t tell me about spillage. It is far more likely to spill when the gas is gurgling out in various uneven ways, when one spout has to both pour and suck in air. That’s when the lawn mower tank becomes suddenly full without warning, when you are shifting the can this way and that just to get the stuff out.

I wrote here about my irritation with the new 5-gallon gas can I bought to feed my new emergency generator. Luckily, the generator gas cap's 'safety' functionality was easily removed, and so I was able to fill the generator tank (and empty it for storage) with minimal spillage from the ultra-safe 'spillproof' 5-gallon can.

Then yesterday it came time to fill the lawn tractor and trim mower....

I have an old beat-up unsafe vented 2-gallon gas can that I normally use for the lawn equipment. It was empty, so I decided to use the nearly full ultra-safe spillproof 5-gallon can to refill the lawn equipment and the 2-gallon can I normally use. The result?

Five minutes and a bruised knuckle to get the spout on the 'safe' can open and unlocked; another two minutes and an ounce or two spill to fill the 12-oz. or so tank on the small lawn mower. Then another 3-5 minutes, more spillage, and a now-bleeding bruised knuckle to fill the 1-1/2 gallon tank on the lawn tractor. Finally another five minutes and much more spillage this time to refill the unsafe vented 2 gallon can I normally use.

So I took the so-called spillproof can down to my basement workshop and spent another 15 minutes ripping the valves, springs, seals, and other assorted hardware out of the can's spout. I now have an unsafe, but reasonably spill resistant 5-gallon gas can that is finally usable.