SOMETIME THIS YEAR, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

And of course once you receive your stimulus check, you should spend it wisely. Here's some helpful advice:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, or going to ball games, or spending it on prostitutes, or beer, or tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

So -- Go to a ball game with the tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

From my email.