AMERICAN SPECTATOR: Joe Biden's my guy.

What political party does the Democratic Party put you in mind of? Their leader until they settle on a presidential candidate is the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi. She is 80 years of age and consults a plastic surgeon as frequently as she consults her hairdresser, according to my sources. Critics remarked on how infrequently during the State of the Union she smiled. Actually, with her skin stretched across her face so tautly, she cannot smile. She can hardly blink. Have a heart, fellows and fellowesses. She would smile and blink more if she could. I am told she has a very good sense of humor.

Other leading Democrats are not much younger. There is Crazy Bernie Sanders, who is 78. Incidentally he recently had a heart attack while on the campaign trail. According to my vast research staff, Bernie is the first presidential candidate ever to have a heart attack while campaigning for president. So it should be no surprise that he favors health care for all, even for household pets. Yet is this not a conflict of interest or self-dealing or a breach of the emoluments statute? If it is, you can be sure our president will have his aides on Bernie’s trail. Would it not be a hoot to have a horde of the president’s accountants falling on Bernie for favoring “Medicare for All” given his bum ticker?

Then there is the sprightly Elizabeth Warren, who is 70 and eats nuts and fruits in keeping with her Native American heritage. And forget not Hillary Clinton, the perennial candidate. She is not running right now. She is 72 and has a cough that kicks in whenever she contemplates a run for the White House. Listen for that cough. I would not count her out.

Of course, my favorite Democratic candidate is Joe Biden. He is 77 and consults a plastic surgeon almost as frequently as Speaker Pelosi. Rush Limbaugh calls him “Plugs” because of his hair treatments. Now cut that out, Rush. Pick on someone who can protect himself, like Joe’s son Hunter. Hunter is a gifted polemicist, and now that he has settled his paternity suit and has his crack pipe back from that rental car he left it in, he will be a real asset for you on the stump.

Mike Bloomberg is not included, but still - think of the Soviet Union before it collapsed.....