AMERICA'S NEWS OF RECORD IS ON A ROLL:

Portland Police Raise Millions By Letting Citizens Throw Tear Gas At Antifa For $5 A Pop

With Statues Gone, Pigeons Forced to Poop on Rioters

Governor Newsom Enraged After Hearing Churches Singing Down In Whoville

California Converts Carpool Lanes Into Rioters' Lanes

Democrats Warn Hydroxychloroquine May Save Your Life And Then You'd Have To Keep Living In A Reality Where Trump Is Still President

And for added amusement, a reader-proposed headline: "Newsom now requiring cardboard cut-outs is stadiums to wear masks".